But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
