when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
