my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
