Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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