Pregnant stripper...not hot.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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