If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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