i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
