I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
