Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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