my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
