I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
