i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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