Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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