she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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