At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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