Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
