it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
