I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
