Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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