I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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