I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
