Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
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