First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
