I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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