Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
