I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
