I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
