Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
