I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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