so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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