The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
