Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
