Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
