stop calling my apartment porn island.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
