You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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