He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
