I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
