Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
