Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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