You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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