My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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