it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
drinking out of a sandbucket again
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
