If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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