i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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