So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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