How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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