ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
