Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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