just come out here and I will go home with you...
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
