Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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